He knows you hate doing the damn dishes—so he does them.
When
you've been together for years, it's obvious that your husband knows
your likes and dislikes. But if you want to know if he loves you, see
how he adjusts to your "irritation triggers." "If he knows the three or
four things that will always hurt you or put you off balance, and then
knows just what to do to either avoid them or get you up and running
again when they do happen, then consider him your antidote," says
Tatkin. So rather than picking a fight because it's "your turn" to take
care of the dishes, you're more likely to find him loading up the
machine before bed. Just remember to return the favor and handle
something that drives him batty—or at least consider taking dish duty as
a thank you, because we bet he doesn't love that chore, either.
It's
easy to take this as a sign of disinterest, butPaul Coleman, a
psychologist and author ofFinding Peace When Your Heart is in Pieces,
says that when men are in love, they usually appear less enthusiastic
than women do simply because of their serotonin levels. Seriously:
research shows that men who are in love have lower serotonin levels.
"The amount of serotonin you have in your body as a woman makes you act
happy and show it more," says Coleman. "But because men's levels aren't
as high, they don't feel the need to do that—they're happy showing you
love by agreeing to do whatever it is you want to do, even if it's just
sitting next to you and watching TV." Rather than being frustrated
because you're the one coming up with date night ideas, look at it as an
opportunity to branch out and try something different.
He says your first name during sex.
It's
part of the norm to call each other "babe," "honey," or even "mama,"
throughout the day (hey, sometimes it's just easier when you have kids),
but Tatkin says that if he says your first name in the midst of sex,
it's a sign that he's fully present in the moment with you and doesn't
want to be intimate with anyone else. Another clue? Eye contact—both in
and out of the bedroom—and a willingness to talk about more personal
matters (ones that involve the two of you on a relationship level, not
what the kids need to get done this week) as part of pillow talk. "Both
show that he's still interested and, rather than seeing you as someone
he thinks he already knows, you're someone he continually wants to learn
about," says Tatkin.
He'll go to that theme-party without whining.
Picture
this: on the rare night that you're able to get a sitter, there's a
Gatsby-esque birthday party happening for your bestie's 40th. You know
your hubs will essentially kick and scream the whole way because he
hates big parties and dressing up. Then again...maybe he won't. If he
doesn't give you grief (okay, he can once or twice—guys think these
things are over-the-top), then he'sshowing you love. "When you say that
you really want him with you and then he just puts on his party clothes
without grumbling, he's putting aside his own preferences and tastes to
make you happy," says Sophia Dembling, author ofIntroverts in Love: The
Quiet Way to Happily Ever After. He wouldn't do that if he didn't love
you, proving that sometimes what he doesn't do speaks louder than what
he does.
He's quick to end an argument.
Ever
get to a point in the argument where you know you're wrong, but you're
secretly trying to figure out a way to prove that you aren't? Your
husband probably hasn't—at least not in a while—because one way he
proves that he's still head-over-heels for you is, well, letting you
win. "He puts you ahead of having to be right because he knows that any
delay in fixing misunderstandings or hurt feelings can lead to a
long-lasting memory that doesn't bode well for your future," says
Tatkin. So when he throws up a white flag, he's not doing it out of
laziness—he just doesn't want to see you upset. And if you're more
willing to battle it out, that doesn't make you a bad person. Tatkin
says it's easier for guys to give in, essentially, because they tend to
avoid confrontation at all costs in the first place. Next time you find
yourself in this situation, take a step back and decide what's more
important: being right or resolving the issue? Taking that moment can
help you get back to a healthy place to continue your discussion.
He puts the electronics away.
We're
all guilty of being glued to our phones: Snapchatting that funny thing
the baby did. Instagramming your date night meal. Sharing an article you
like on Facebook. But when your husband actively cuts technology out of
his daily routine to spend time with you, it's a sign that he still
wants to connect, says Fawn Weaver, author of Happy Wives Club. "When a
man loves a woman, no matter how demanding his job, he knows how to put
his phone down, close his laptop, and give his undivided attention.
There is a consistent effort to put his love ahead of his career and
friends." Now, that doesn't mean he's going to drop what he's doing at
the exact second you want him to (he's not your beck-and-call boy), but
if he makes a concerted effort to carve out quality time for the two of
you sans-tech, then he's still very much into you.
He never says the 'D' word.
You've
had those knock-down, drag-out fightsthat are way worse (and less
funny) than any SNL skit, but even in the darkest of times, your husband
never says the word "divorce," says Tatkin, explaining that a happy
husband doesn'tthreaten his relationship even when he's upset,
frustrated, or incredibly angry. Instead, he's learned how to have a
fight the right way—because yes, you'll still have them—and knows when
it's best for the relationship to walk away and blow off steam. "Nothing
good can come from threatening the relationship or making you feel like
it may not exist in the near future," says Tatkin. Taking the option of
divorce off the table gives you both the opportunity to express how you
really feel without fear that the other is going to walk out on the
relationship, so you can get to the root of any serious issues.
He still makes an effort to surprise you.
Though
you may rule the world—and household—with shared Google calendars and
group text messages, if your husband still makes effort to surprise you
with things he knows will brighten your day, he's still lovin' on your
pretty hard, says Weaver. "This isn't about expensive gifts. Oftentimes
it's something as simple as bringing home a favorite candy or carton of
ice cream, or picking up tickets when you mentioned you wanted to see a
certain movie," she says. The point is that he's thinking of ways to
keep your relationship fresh and engaged, and showing you that he still
remembers the little things that make you smile.
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